Long time no see!

I thought I had officially fallen off the blogging band wagon but was reminded on Friday morning that I still have many stories to share and more ridiculous interactions with the public to spur me on for some time to come.  

Around 9am a very large German man walked in to the office.  I have to put the term "large" into context; think Sasquatch.  

The German vs English was a challenge but I managed to work out what he wanted and proceeded to type him up a quote to send him on his way.  

While I sat happily at my desk he patiently stood directly on the other side very close to the edge of the desk and proceeded to start scratching his balls.  Yes, balls, gonads, testicles, berries.....those things.  Not just a simple adjustment but an outright 10 second get in there and itch the bastards scratch.  Ten seconds doesn't sound long but go ahead, 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi................  OMG!

For the last two weeks I have been mellow and happy to deal with clients.  I had an accident on my mountain bike and ended up in the hospital all beat up for three days so things got properly put into perspective.  Enter German Sasquatch balls to crap all over that frame of thinking. 

Diarrhea!

So today, I am chatting away on the phone with a woman regarding what type of signage she would like to effectively promote her business.  

As we were chatting I decided to make an appointment for the owner to meet with her on site and go over her plans & take measurements, photos, etc.  As I go to set a time later that day she kindly informs me that she is suffering a severe case of diarrhea and can't possibly meet today. WTF?

Is there an age where it becomes acceptable behavior to tell a stranger that you have diarrhea. And what exactly is an appropriate response to this news.  Sorry you have the shits today, Monday work better for you?  

If your sitting in a park & you feel a sudden spark, diarrhoea.

When your on the seat for hours and it doesn't smell like flowers, diarrhea, diarrhea!

Nametags

If you have ever had to wear a name tag you will understand how much fun they are to wear. 

First of all the name tag really doesn't scream management position.  You might as well have a tag that says "Erin, Shitkicker" or "Erin, Over Educated."  

Second of all they are generally positioned in the breast region.  When people go to read your name and where you are from it is as if they are checking out your boobs (or lack thereof).  This can be a good or bad feeling depending on day and mood.  

Finally, from time to time, I found that I would forget the concept of the nametag and get quite confused as to how random people were calling me by name.  

Christmas Spirit

If you die and go to hell you are sent straight to a mall to serve the public during the Christmas holiday season.  Any feelings of goodwill and faith can be shattered in just a few minutes of working in the midst of all of the "Christmas Spirit."  I witnessed mother and daughter scream fests, horrible displays of too large women wearing too small clothes, harassment and theft.  It was not pretty.  

This time of my life was a short two months managing the Lane's Christmas kiosk.  It was so bad the day after Christmas I fled all the way out to Colorado.  I call this time simply "The Kiosk."  

Sign*A*Rama, Where the World goes for Signs

Telephone:  Ring, Ring, Ring

Me:  "Thank you for calling Sign*A*Rama South Brisbane, this is Erin."  

Idiot on other end:  "Do you make signs?"  

Pause..................

Me:  "Umm, yes."  

Idiot on other end:  "How much are they?"  

There are allot of crazys out there

There are allot of crazy, weird sickos out there and if you work with the public you are bound to come in contact with a number of these characters.  Sometimes I sit and wonder how many murderers I have served peach ice cream to?  

No, I have not had a customer smile and say "thanks for that, I am just exhausted from that strangulation earlier," as I hand them their peach cobbler.  But some of these people just give you a justified set of the creeps.  

While working at Lane's one of our regular weirdos was an older man in his late 60's to early 70's.  He came in most Sundays in the afternoon.  His right eye bulged out of his head, at least twice the size of his left eye.  He was bald, grossly overweight, and had holes in his pants that would reveal that he was not wearing any underwear.  

As he entered the kitchen the stench of BO would fill the air.  He would promptly approach the counter and whatever poor unsuspecting girl behind it would have to answer the question "how much would it be to take you home Miss."  

This routine went on and on before his remarks became less and less G rated and he had to be asked to leave and never return.  

I wish I could come up with a pleasant spin on serving this niche market, but I can't.  These customers are there to keep you aware of your surroundings at all times and locking your doors and windows at night.  

Dirty Little Secrets

While working at the Wildwood Lodge in Snowmass, Colorado I had a number of interesting experiences with guests and their sometimes strange behaviors.

One of the most amusing parts of my job was the incidental charges that would sometimes come up on a guest's bill.

One thing that everyone should know when staying in a hotel, motel or resort is that the front desk staff knows when you have watched porn in your room. (In fact so does the housekeeping staff)  The charge for Finding Nemo is $9.95, the charge for Buffy the Vampire Layer is $11.12.

The other thing to keep in mind is that, yes, we can remove the charge from the bill if you pay separately.  If you do not wish to pay for it separately, no, your company will not know that the $11.12 charge was you watching Chicks with Dicks.